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Today, instead of sharing news and photos of pregnancy, I am sharing the loss of my unborn child.
I knew the bright red blood shouldn’t be there. The same day, I was supposed to be taking belly photos and journaling the progress of my pregnancy in week six. Now, as I stared at the bright, red blood that over-took the clear water in the toilet, my stomach tightened, and my heart ached. Tears began to stream down my face.
“NO, GOD! I want to be a mother again!”
In a matter of seconds, I sprang from the bathroom, called my husband, who then suggested I call OB/GYN. I called the number to the OB/GYN and let it ring through to the operator who gave my message to the doctor on call. Two minutes later the doctor returned my call.
“Is there anything I can do?” I managed to say, holding back tears.
“Unfortunately, no,” the doctor replied. “I’m sorry.”
March 25, 2010, I’d awoken, pregnant, at 5 A.M. I’d thanked God for answering my prayers, wondered whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and dreamed about what my child would look like at his/her birth in November.
When I hung up the phone, the clock read 6:54 A.M.
And my baby was no longer living.
I called my OB/GYN after they finally opened and set my appointment for 2:10 P.M. the same day. I thought there was still a chance that I hadn’t miscarried, but I just needed verification. The OB/GYN did a pelvic exam and showed concern that I had a small uterus and a closed cervix. She decided to do a vaginal ultra-sound. It was confirmed on the ultra-sound monitor that I had miscarried. When I looked at the monitor my uterus was empty, with exception to a thin line of tissue that hadn’t passed yet.
Apparently, miscarriage is fairly common and happens in 1 out of ever y 5 pregnancies. The doctor reassured me that there was nothing I did to cause the miscarriage; it was my body’s way of dealing with an unhealthy pregnancy that was not developing. She advised us to wait at least three months before we start trying to conceive again. Three months would allow my body to replenish the nutrients and hormones that I need to have a healthy pregnancy.
Before I left the office they drew my blood to test the level of hCG (pregnancy hormone). I have an appointment in a week to have blood drawn again to make sure the hCG levels have decreased and that I have passed all the tissue naturally.
I have cried many, many tears today. And I’m sure I’ll cry many more. I have been reminded today that I have a beautiful, little boy, a loving husband, and many family and friends who will support me through this difficult time of grief.
As I was saying good-night to my husband tonight, he said, “At least we have peace in knowing that we will be able to meet our unborn baby in Heaven some day.”
Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish.” John 11:25-26
I knew the bright red blood shouldn’t be there. The same day, I was supposed to be taking belly photos and journaling the progress of my pregnancy in week six. Now, as I stared at the bright, red blood that over-took the clear water in the toilet, my stomach tightened, and my heart ached. Tears began to stream down my face.
“NO, GOD! I want to be a mother again!”
In a matter of seconds, I sprang from the bathroom, called my husband, who then suggested I call OB/GYN. I called the number to the OB/GYN and let it ring through to the operator who gave my message to the doctor on call. Two minutes later the doctor returned my call.
“Is there anything I can do?” I managed to say, holding back tears.
“Unfortunately, no,” the doctor replied. “I’m sorry.”
March 25, 2010, I’d awoken, pregnant, at 5 A.M. I’d thanked God for answering my prayers, wondered whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and dreamed about what my child would look like at his/her birth in November.
When I hung up the phone, the clock read 6:54 A.M.
And my baby was no longer living.
I called my OB/GYN after they finally opened and set my appointment for 2:10 P.M. the same day. I thought there was still a chance that I hadn’t miscarried, but I just needed verification. The OB/GYN did a pelvic exam and showed concern that I had a small uterus and a closed cervix. She decided to do a vaginal ultra-sound. It was confirmed on the ultra-sound monitor that I had miscarried. When I looked at the monitor my uterus was empty, with exception to a thin line of tissue that hadn’t passed yet.
Apparently, miscarriage is fairly common and happens in 1 out of ever y 5 pregnancies. The doctor reassured me that there was nothing I did to cause the miscarriage; it was my body’s way of dealing with an unhealthy pregnancy that was not developing. She advised us to wait at least three months before we start trying to conceive again. Three months would allow my body to replenish the nutrients and hormones that I need to have a healthy pregnancy.
Before I left the office they drew my blood to test the level of hCG (pregnancy hormone). I have an appointment in a week to have blood drawn again to make sure the hCG levels have decreased and that I have passed all the tissue naturally.
I have cried many, many tears today. And I’m sure I’ll cry many more. I have been reminded today that I have a beautiful, little boy, a loving husband, and many family and friends who will support me through this difficult time of grief.
As I was saying good-night to my husband tonight, he said, “At least we have peace in knowing that we will be able to meet our unborn baby in Heaven some day.”
Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish.” John 11:25-26
Becca,
ReplyDeleteThere are never any good words to offer when this happens. "I'm sorry" isn't enough. Hearing how common it is doesn't lessen the pain. All I can tell you is that I understand, because I have been there.
Cling to those who love you, and hold your son extra close. You are in my prayers. And I will cry for you tonight. For the baby you've given to God. For the two I have lost.
You will be a mom again.
Remember: God is good, all the time.
Becca,
ReplyDeleteKristin couldn't have said it better when she said "God is good, all the time." and I will add, "All the time, God is good."
It has to be hard to realise that now, and even harder to accept it, when we want nothing more than to be in control of our lives. However, our lives are not ours. We and your unborn child belong to God, and I only hope that you can find your comfort knowing that your baby is With God and in a much better place than here on Earth. You will be reunited with your baby someday, and how wonderful that your husband has reminded you of that.
Take this time to lean on each other, to trust in God, and to celebrate the babies that he has blessed you with both here on earth and heaven. Hold Seth a little longer and have faith that God will bring you another child in "His" timing.
Know that we are all here for you and will be saying prayers for you and your entire family. I wish we lived closer together, but know that I am only a phone call away....even if it is the middle of the night for you I will proabaly still be up so feel free to call.
Sending all of you my love,
Amanda